Happy
July, this month I felt inclined to share an article I read from Erin Axson who
is a teacher in South Carolina. She had a wonderful article on the state of our
schools. I felt compelled to share
because this is the workforce we are seeing come into the market and it is
causing management to feel the same exhaustion teachers do. If we want a workforce that is comprised of
hard working, humble and determined professionals we have to start early
teaching them.
Stop ‘bizarrely lenient attitude
toward disciplining children’ – Teacher’s open letter strikes a nerve
Erin Axson is a middle school reading and writing teacher in Orangeburg, South Carolina. In her
open letter posted to her Facebook page, Axson said she knows not all parents
will agree with her, but said she felt the need to say something after
finishing the school year feeling “exhausted.”
This is her
note on Facebook:
“Dear Parents,
I rarely go off
on social media tangents. It’s not my style. But this has been laid on my heart
and the good Lord won’t let me rest until I’ve put it out there. But, this is
LONG, so swipe to the next section of your news feed if I annoy you.
Not all of you
are going to agree with what I’ve written. Some of you will be downright mad
after you read it. As with anything, this doesn’t apply to every parent out
there. I do have those of you that support me and work with me – you know who
you are and you know how immensely grateful I am for you.
As this school
year came to an end, I started some research about the current state of our
school system. This all started as I stared at myself in the mirror one
morning, wondering if I should look and feel THIS exhausted. I am a mother of
three, we are a farming family, and I am a middle school teacher. Most would
say that right there is a sure-fire recipe for exhaustion. But this goes deeper
than simply being tired. This school year has left me feeling depleted,
defeated, and unsure of my place in my little corner of the world. Rather than
throw in the towel, I thought I’d do some digging and try to get to the bottom
of my feelings. I was surprised by my findings, and what initially provided me
some twisted form of comfort – knowing I wasn’t the only teacher feeling this
way quickly turned into fear for our society’s future.
Lately, it
seems that many parents have adopted a bizarrely lenient attitude toward
disciplining children as well as bending over backwards to accommodate their
children’s every demand. It’s unclear what’s causing these parents to believe
that children should be subject to no limits, no discipline, and no stringent
requirements at school. Whatever the cause, these parents are, in fact, doing a
terrible disservice to today’s young people and to society as a whole. And,
they are leaving their children’s teachers feeling frustrated, ill-supported,
and utterly exhausted.
The rate at
which good teachers are exiting the school system is sky rocketing, and if
things continue at this pace, no one will be willing to go into teaching at
all. The average new teacher these days is lasting a whopping 4 years before
calling it quits. Those seasoned teachers that have witnessed this strange,
cultural shift firsthand are dropping like flies, realizing they don’t have the
energy to fight this uphill battle. But, perhaps the saddest thing is that
these schools are turning out children who are ill-suited to being
constructive, productive members of our society.
Childhood is a
phase of intense physical, emotional, and psychological development. Children
need to learn what behavior is appropriate in our society, and how to get along
with their peers and the adults in their lives. They need to learn how to play
by the rules, as opposed to being taught that it’s acceptable to break the
rules or simply ignore the rules altogether, fostering a serious sense of
entitlement among our youth.
Kids need to
learn essential values such as empathy, responsibility, hard work and
self-discipline. They must be taught conscientiousness, resilience and
integrity. When parents refuse to set limits, give kids consequences, or have
appropriate expectations of academic and social performance, students are
deprived of the skills and attitudes necessary for their future success. We are
essentially robbing them of the greatest gift we can give them.
If there’s one
thing we can all agree on – we mommas do love our babies. Unfortunately,
someone – somewhere – at some point in time – planted a seed of doubt in our
minds, telling us if we set limitations for our children, then we don’t love them.
Oh how I would love to come face to face with this person in a dark alley.
If you think
spoiling makes for happier kids, you haven’t done your research because the
statistics I found completely contradict this. A recent article I read pointed
to research which shows that the rate of depression, anxiety, and drug
addiction in high-school and college students has exploded in the past five
years, and many are saying that over-protective parenting and overly lenient
school environments are a large part of what’s to blame for this. Turns out,
despite all the eye rolling, these kiddos really do feel safe, loved, and
worthy when we show them who’s in charge.
Ok, so that was
a lot.
Ready for the
good news?
I know I am.
This isn’t
rocket science. You don’t have to earn some fancy degree to understand it. We,
if we band together, can clean up the mess we’ve made. These are simple ways we
can fix this as well as a bunch of personal promises I will make to you as your
child’s teacher.
1. For
starters, your kid is capable of doing and saying things that will shock the
living daylights out of you. We work with these kids every day and see your
child in a different light than you do. If we come to you with a problem or
write your child up for disrespectful behavior, don’t automatically fight it.
Take a moment to digest it. We don’t have it out for your child. We don’t hate
your kid. We don’t get a weird thrill out of writing detentions. We want what
you want – for them to rise to the occasion and be the best version of themselves
they can be. But, they aren’t born with the tendency to do this. We must guide
them, direct them, and model this for them.
Please know
that I am right there in the life raft with you. I have a rising 7th grader,
4th grader, and kindergartner. Most nights end with me lying in bed praying for
God to help me do it better tomorrow. My three babies are so perfectly
imperfect. When my 9 year old’s (AKA the least likely member of our family to
be accused of people pleasing) teacher emails me to let me know that he has
lost his recess due to inability to sit still and keep his hands off his
classmates, I resist the innate urge to 1) crawl under my desk and hide, 2)
jump to his defense (he’s a little boy who’d rather be outdoors!), and 3)
ignore the problem that he’s obviously causing in her classroom. Will he have
his side of the story? Yes. Will I hear him out? Yes. Will it change the fact
that an adult took time out of her busy day to email me because my child upset
the flow of her teaching day? No. Punishing him at home for disrespecting
authority at school is difficult. It’s tiring, takes a lot of effort, requires
a tremendous amount of patience, and is just plain inconvenient. But, the fact
is: his teacher needs me to follow through, just as I need her to educate my
boy. She and I have to work together to drive this bus, otherwise the wheels
fall off and we all end up in the ditch.
2. Trust me.
When I write a child up or tell parents that their child has been a behavior
problem, I can almost see the hairs rise on the back of their necks. They tense
up and are ready to fight, defend their child…and let me tell you – it is
exhausting. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I tell a mom something her kid
did and she turns, looks at him and asks, “Is that true?” Well, of course it’s
true. I just told you.
We (women) tend
to tear each other down. I see a heavy gravitation toward this with my middle
school girls. They can be mean, hateful, and downright cruel. Unfortunately,
some of us never moved on from Mean Girl University – in fact some of us are
still regular attendees hoping to graduate magna cum laud. We don’t lift each
other up and support one another. We jump at opportunities to attack each
other, albeit much more behind the scenes in adulthood – it’s an attack
nonetheless. And, let’s be honest, it hurt when we were teenagers, and it’s
hurtful now. It’s no wonder when I come to you with something your child has
done wrong at school; your defenses immediately go up.
Somehow it has turned
into me pointing the finger at you, whispering behind your back that you are a
bad mom. Nothing could be further from the truth. Your child’s bad choice isn’t
a direct reflection on you as a person. The way you choose to handle it – IS.
Every kid will mess up. Every kid will disappoint us at times. Every kid needs
a slew of adults to be invested in them, care about them. This isn’t supposed
to be a competition among us as women. I want to be part of your village –
goodness knows, I need my children’s teachers to be part of mine.
3. For the love
of Pete, please quit with all the excuses. If you really want to help your
children be successful, stop making excuses for them. Last summer, I was at the
pool chatting with a parent and her son about his summer reading assignments.
He told me flat out, with no shame, that he hadn’t even started, and I let him
know I was disappointed because school started in two weeks. His mother chimed
in quickly and told me that it had been a difficult summer for them and that
she was allowing him some “important fun time” because it was summer. Wow. Some
parents will make excuses regardless of the situation. Unfortunately, they are
raising children who will grow into adults who turn toward excuses, unable to
exhibit a strong work ethic. If you don’t want your child to end up 30,
jobless, sitting on your couch, eating Lucky Charms and playing Fortnite, then
stop making excuses for why they aren’t succeeding and demand more from them.
God has trusted you with this child. You owe them that gift.
4. Parents,
let’s be partners. It’s OK for your child to get in trouble sometimes. It
builds character and teaches life lessons. As teachers, we are confused by
parents who stand in the way of those lessons; we call them helicopter parents
because they hover over us, waiting for the opportunity to dive in and save
their child every time something goes wrong. If we give a child a 79 on a
project, then that is what the child deserves. Don’t set up a time to meet with
me to negotiate an 80. Each time you do this, you are slowly chipping away at
our ever so important parent/teacher relationship. Let them fall down. Let them
hurt a little. And, I can assure you, they will want to do better next time.
5. This one may
be hard to accept, but you shouldn’t assume that because your child makes
straight A’s they are getting a good education. The truth is, a lot of times
it’s the ineffective teachers who give the easiest grades, because they know by
giving good grades, everyone will leave them alone. I honestly can’t blame them.
They aren’t verbally attacked on the cereal aisle at the grocery store (true
story). They don’t avoid social media because of rants ending with hashtags
that are…well, just plain mean (#andpassiveaggressive #justsayin). Parents will say, “My
child has a great teacher! He made all A’s this year!” Come on now. Seriously?
In all honesty, it’s usually the best teachers who are giving the lowest
grades, because they are raising expectations. Yet, when your child receives
low grades, you complain to the headmaster, not only exhausting our school
administration, but leaving your kids’ teachers feeling like they have no
value. Please, take a step back and get a good look at the landscape. Before
you challenge those low grades you feel the teacher has “given” your child…you
might stop to realize your child “earned” those grades and that the teacher you
are complaining about is actually the one that is providing the best education.
6. Teachers
walk on a sea of eggshells. The sad reality is – a great number of
administrators and teachers these days have hands that are completely tied. In
many ways, we live in fear of what will happen next. We walk on eggshells in a
watered-down education system where teachers lack the courage to correct or
re-direct a child without fear of being summoned to the office to explain
ourselves. Administration is overwhelmed trying to please parents (b/c we are
paying a pretty penny for education), taking vitally important time away from
running our school. It’s a cycle that, if not broken, will have truly
devastating effects.
7. Last but
most certainly not least…I KNOW you love your children. I love them too. These
kids get into my heart in a way I can’t explain to you. I just ask — beg of you
— to trust me, support me, and work with me, not against me. I need you to have
my back. I need you to give me the respect I deserve. Please don’t badmouth me
in front of your kid. Please don’t passively aggressively attack me on social
media. Lift me up and make me feel appreciated. I promise every chance I get, I
am lifting you up in my classroom. I promise I appreciate the hard work you are
doing at home. I promise I am not the enemy. I promise I am on your side. I
promise I am cheering your kid on with the loudest momma voice you can imagine.
I promise in the end, you and I want the exact same thing. And finally, I
promise – if you will let me –to give your child the best education humanly
possible.
You and I,
together, could be quite the force to be reckoned with, don’t you think?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Erin Axson”
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