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Empathy versus Sympathy in the Workplace



Happy August!  During the summer months I try to take off a few weeks to get out of the office and reflect on successes and failures.  I have had my fair share of both.  My personality is one that tends to think more about the failures than the successes but it is not because I belabor my imperfections but rather that I want to always be improving.  I had an “Ah ha” moment about being a leader that sympathizes versus empathizes and how one over the other can destroy a culture. 

 A longtime family friend of mine who has known me my entire life shared the simplest but the most impactful video on the difference between sympathy and empathy.  By definition, sympathy is a social affinity in which one person stands with another person and closely understands his or her feelings.  Empathy is the capacity to recognize and, to some extent, share feelings that are being experienced by another person.  When you read the definitions they are quite similar and tend to overlap so you can see why it is common for us to waiver between the two or confuse them.

The difference between the two is very powerful.  Showing sympathy and being truly real about it can imply that we are involving ourselves and feel responsible in some way.  Sympathy is appropriate when you are dealing with children, family members or close friends that need our help in the solution.  However, with work colleagues it can really destroy a relationship.   It can cause hurt feelings between other co-workers if they feel like they are not treated the same way.  It can also strip the person of solving their own problems. 

Here is what sympathy sounds like in the workplace:  Brenda has several children and they are all in different schools.  When she took the job she knew her work hours were 8-3 and that business hours were 8-5 and she needed to be available from home during times she was not in the office.  However, the change in school schedules created stress for her trying to figure out what to do in this new chapter she was in.  When she approached her boss about this her boss reacted with sympathy.  Being a mother herself she knew what a challenge it was.  The boss offered to let her work from home in the morning and transfer kids to schools during their scheduled drop offs and then come into the office.  However, the boss involved herself and came up with the solution not the other way around.  The colleague began to come in well after 9:45 and depart around 2:00, sometime sooner.  If a child was sick she left without announcing it and she quickly deviated from a schedule which wreaked havoc on the culture.  Since her boss came up with the solution she began to assume that it didn’t matter.  However, what the colleague failed to realize is that everyone began to expect the same flexibility which did not work for the business.  Clients began complaining, co-workers began to be resentful, and the boss was left to pick up the pieces. The more appropriate emotion would have been empathy.

When we empathize, we choose not to own the outcome or solve problems for the other person.  In the situation above an empathetic leader would have listened and articulated back the challenges that working parents have and recognizing the challenges the adjusted school schedules have on parents with multiple children.  However, an empathetic leader would have asked the colleague to come to her with solutions to her problems and then figure out what worked for the business and what didn’t.  Being empathetic is to listen and articulate back your understanding of the feelings, the situation and the impact it has on the company.  Being empathetic is not to make the problem your own or to solve it. 

I believe that empathy is important in the workplace.  It does not show weakness but is does require a lot of energy and it is hard not to fall over to the sympathy side when we truly care about our employees.  However, speaking from experience, leading with sympathy can drive employees away because they can become reliant on you to fix their problems and if you stop they resent it. Managing people is a tough job.  You can never be everything to everyone. If you want help on management issues or need help building the right team please call us!  We are empathetic to your struggles and will gratefully partner with you to build the best team possible!

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